The Bitter Pill

Not really cut-out for living alone.. Am I?

One of those discoveries I’ve made lately that I’m not really happy or proud of. Wouldn’t want ne1 to switch places coz its kind f terribly terrible. Like a bowl full of marbles, my group of friends, can’t really hold on to any of them if they split. I imagine myself running in different directions, trying to rush and grab hold of them and make sense of it all in the crazy haste. Had always imagined myself being surrounded by people I love, which now is a rather crazy thought.

Make yourself as interesting as possible they said, coz you’ll be spending the most time of your life with yourself. God’s making me learn this the hard way! Kind of apologetic and pathetic in different ways. A mad rush it seems sometimes, trying to get past the loneliness and the self-pity. Ideas keep popping into my head from time to time, making me think of novel ways to run away from everything that ever mattered at any point of time. How dearly would I love to be selfish..again.

A flip in the definition of being good, that’s what I want to be. Surrounded by a sea of “Friends” (( My apology to all who come in-between these quotes )), I still find myself searching. Someone very dear told me once, “Saleem, in this life, in this world, nothing matters, but YOU, your own self. People may come and go, leaving impressions along the way, but at the end of it all, it’s you who’ll be accountable for everything that happened.” At this point in time, I wouldn’t call it a happy realization, rather an honest one. Like the lessons learned from the beating you got in childhood for being stupid and wrong, and realizing it now when you see someone do it, exactly like you did. How foolish were we, How foolish was I?

A serious question.. Is what I’m feeling right now..is this for real? Or just one of those passing contemplative thoughts that strike me when I’m restless and alone and stupid. Maybe.. maybe not. But it does have a concern. Of the direction I’m headed into. Its like finding yourself standing at the crossroads with no signs. You’re all to yourself and the decision may change the way you see life, the way you perceive things to be. Where everything dear ceases to matter, to exist. Like a bubble of trust that was waiting for that fateful pin to strike its fragile existence.

Friends have been my world, ever since I had them. The single-most important thing in my life, who rather admittedly, have taught me more than I could’ve ever accomplished to do myself. A rich journal of madness I’ve enjoyed over these years. Aped some, made-up some of them myself but in the end, always found myself falling short of everything I planned.

Plan…. Have never been the one to follow one and still I keep harping about it. Hardly practiced what I preached. How to Make Friends and Influence people, thought I was the walking text of the best-seller. Seems like a fluke now. My social circle was put to test in the last few months and I’m amazed how ridiculously it faired on the satisfaction scale. Divya once warned me, “Never Drink Alone and that too in sadness, it only makes it worse.” So I took to smoking. No blames on Divya, but my loneliness did it. People keep trying to mend my ways, but their consideration has begun to irritate me.

You know.. one of those moments when you try finding a reason where it doesn’t exist. That’s what I’v become. It’s time like these when I think.. Would it matter at all If I ceased to exist? How momentary the sadness, the feelings, the concern would be once Saleem-in-flesh-and-blood would no longer be?

I’m still to hit the high notes of life. But deep down, in the heart of hearts, I know it would be a déjà vu, of now, of what has happened and what will always be. It’s like stepping into the most beautiful of oceans, knowing you would ultimately drown.

Let me soak up the sun, enjoy till it lasts….it has already begun to fade.